The Art of a Successful Marriage

Why do so many marriages fail these days (according to the media) ? This really depends I think on whether marriages were really ever that successful in the first place. We do not really know whether people stayed together because the couple were so happy or whether they just stuck together because society expected them to. I suspect the latter. From what I see of my grandparents, I feel that they were unhappy. My mother’s father did beat his wife. My father’s mother seemed to have her husband wrapped round her little finger. Needless to say, neither is a good basis for a happy marriage! When I met my husband, he adored me. But then he started to emotionally abuse me, constantly putting me down about everything I said and did and how I looked. None of my friends, who are married are happy, although most are still together. Discussions of divorce have cropped up in almost all of them. I used to think that marriage was the way to go having been brought up that way, but now I am unsure about it.

However it is human nature to want that level of commitment with someone and marriage is probably here to stay. Having been married myself, I have thoughts about what can make a marriage work. I watched the movie “To Sir With Love” starring Sidney Poitier (a fantastic actor I might add!) It is a very moving and inspirational film about a teacher who tries to educate a class full of undisciplined students about life. I think teaching about real life is seriously lacking in our schools, but that is another topic! In one scene, the teacher (Sir) has a discussion with the students about marriage and he states “Marriage is not for the weak, selfish or insecure”. I found this very poignant because it is very accurate indeed. If you are weak, then your partner can take advantage of you. If you are insecure then it can destroy the trust. If you are selfish, well….that is self explanatory.

I do think we are missing something. With the long women’s movement for equality, we have lost the respect for the other sex and no longer see the beautiful differences between men and women as God intended. Man sees the modern woman as a threat to their masculinity and women hide their true selves to avoid being vulnerable and subsequently hurt. Yet to avoid this happening is very simple indeed. In “To Sir With Love”, Sir teaches the men to respect the women while addressing them as Ms [surname] and he teaches the men to be men, acting respectable and courteous. When the men acted that way, the women opened up with love. This all sounds very 19^th century I know, but isn’t common courtesy what we all want? Men want to be needed by their woman and women want to be adored by their man. We are lacking the ability to accept qualities in the opposite sex, instead seeing it as a flaw. For example, I was always very house proud, but my husband took a disliking to it and criticized me for it. If he had thought, “what is the alternative? An empty house and no one to look after it”, then he might have looked at it very differently. I would get upset when my husband was at home but “not all there” (yes – I can hear the sigh from the female readers – sounds familiar right?). But if I had been grateful that he was home with me, then there would have been less arguments and I would have had peace of mind.

How do we apply all this in practice? Well, I think perhaps we are half way there when we start to realise that we are not appreciating what we have. After that it is a matter of constantly revaluating what is going on in our lives and attempting to change it. When we fail to change our attitudes, it is important to be kind to ourselves and keep going. At some point, you will realise that your attitude is changing and you start to feel more in control. I am experiencing this and can vouch for it. When you feel more in control, you feel more secure in yourself.

Of course, you may be successfully changing the way you see things, but your partner does not reciprocate. At this point, it may be wise to think about whether this is the kind of life you want. It is important to remember, you cannot change others, only yourself.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” – meaning don’t rely on one part of your life to make you happy. If you have many outlets in your life, then if you lose one, you always have the others to lean on. Value other people and activities in your life. My brothers after getting married show little respect and appreciation for the rest of the family, thinking they don’t need it. In the end, you will always need all your family and friends. I found a thread on a forum discussing marriage and someone said “The family unit is very selfish when compared to the community unit.
It seeks material benefits only for itself. But ignores the community in general.
The community unit where there are no defined families, but people grow up in groups is more open and people friendly.” This is very true, however I think we can still achieve the community spirit without sacrificing marriage. Simply don’t forget to make gestures and effort with parents, siblings, in-laws and friends. When you have all these precious people around you, you will be well on the way to happiness. Of course, there will be situations where no matter the effort you make, you cannot get along with them. I will discuss this in future posts.