Are We Nice Enough To Each Other? Find Out How to be Loved by Many

Have you ever wondered how to get people to like you – AND keep it that way? It sounds like a very difficult thing to achieve. In fact, on the contrary it is very easy and simple once you come to realise a few ideas, and mull over them until they become a part of your being. In school we are not taught about life issues and are left to fend for ourselves and figure things out the hard way.

There is only way to get people to love you and that is to be genuine. You probably have tried one or more of the following:

1. Buy them expensive gifts, or do things for them such as driving them around or preparing them meals.

2. Giving them money.

3. Keeping quiet while they make all the decisions about what to do and where to go when going out with them.

4. Say things that you do not really mean such as telling them you are a fan of a particular TV program or a particular pop song.

5. Listening and agreeing when they are gossiping about another person.

6. Accepting it when they treat you unfairly or put you down.

You have probably seen that this does not work. Do not keep trying what does not work and expecting different results – all it does is take away self esteem and zaps you of energy. All these efforts may temporarily keep them in your life, but you are only being used as a doormat. This does not mean that the person is “bad”. Expecting people to be perfect is not the way to go either; otherwise you will end up lonely. People do show their negative side to you when you allow them; it is only human nature. What you must do is bring out the good side of them and do not accept their “bad” behaviour. Not accepting this bad behaviour simply means letting them know in some gentle way. When you do this, they will begin to respect you. After all, have you ever respected someone who mistreats you or who allows you to treat them as a doormat?

If you suffer from low self esteem, anger or shyness then you will need to address these issues alongside working on your relationships.

The other side to being a submissive person is one that is dominant. This will never get you love and friendship. This is an obvious statement; but many people treat others that way despite the loneliness they encounter. This is simply because they have not found a way to change their habits and thought processes of a lifetime. Many do not even realise they are creating their own misery in their lives by alienating themselves from others. Just think on this; have you ever wanted to be around anyone (from your heart) who dominates you? No, of course not. It makes you feel like you are not valued or loved.

How do we change how we look at someone who makes you feel uncomfortable or someone who may have hurt you in the past? Before you approach them, repeat in your mind a few times “he/she is only human like me”. Also, remind yourself that whatever they did to make you feel uncomfortable or hurt is only a reaction to their own insecurities. They most likely did not mean it. Try to adopt a forgiving nature (after all, you would want people to forgive you for things you may have mistakenly done or said). Be forgiving to yourself when you cannot be forgiving. Move on and keep trying; it will eventually become second nature.

So why not try these steps with someone at your workplace or at your next social event or just someone you see when you are at the shops etc.

1. Smile the most wonderful smile you can from deep within your heart.
2. Say “hello”, “how are you?”. Maybe talk about something that you are interested in. Maybe a program you have seen on television or a book you are reading. Or perhaps take the opportunity to ask them something about work if it is a colleague (people respond well when you ask them for help).

Once you have made contact, try to do this whenever you have an opportunity. Do not make this a chore - enjoy it. You will find the enjoyment when you talk about something you are interested in and listen to what they have to say.

Take a look at your friends. Are you being submissive or dominant in your relationships? If you are, then you need to make changes:

1. Make regular efforts with your friends. Call them for chats and/or arrange to meet. This should be a two way street. If they do not reciprocate then it may be time to re-evaluate whether the relationship is worth it.

2. Be happy when you talk or see them. Even if you are feeling sad about something, make that first sentence energetic and you will automatically feel better.

3. If you want to talk to close friends about problems, try to not to keep complaining about other people to them. It does not help your problem and you will only wear them down.

4. Do not talk in too much detail about the same things. I have a friend who discusses in so much detail about her work (the name of her colleague, description of colleague, complaining about colleague, what she made for lunch, etc.) and I end up feeling fatigued! THINK about what you are saying to the person. Think about the point you are making and work towards that.

5. Stop to allow your friend to talk about something or comment on what you are saying.

6. Do not take advantage of your friends’ kindness, i.e. Letting them pay all the time, letting them drive you around, letting them cook for you all the time etc. Share the burden with them.

7. Be yourself. If you have to disagree with them, then say so, even if time has lapsed since the event. If you don’t, then eventually you will hold a grudge. Encourage them to be honest with you, and when they do, just listen and then make your point if you need to.

8. Treat your friends with respect. Do not cancel on them because something “better” has come up.

9. There is no right or wrong. Do not try and make them think they are wrong about choices they make or opinions they have.

10. Get into the habit of being genuine. Do not say or do things because you want something in return. People always pick up on non genuine people.

11. Do not let them make you feel bad for something you did or did not do. For example, if you request that you would like to pay for what you ate rather than split the bill in half (because your friend’s bill may be a lot more ), then do not let them make you feel guilty for it. It is your prerogative.

12. If you are making an effort but your friend still abuses the relationship, then it is time to think about whether you should end it.

This article is by no means exhaustive. Once you have started to put these ideas into practice, then you may realise other habits you want to change. Keep going, this will be an ongoing evaluation of your relationships, and you will notice yourself feeling happier, growing self esteem and feeling peaceful.

An inspiring film to watch is “Pay it forward” with Haley Joel Osment. It is about a boy who is influenced by his teacher (Kevin Spacey) to come up with an idea to make the world a better place. He comes up with the idea of helping three people in some way in which they would otherwise have not been able to do themselves, each of who then does something big for three others and so on. The idea being that the number of people receiving this help would grow rapidly.

It does not cost anything to be nice to people we meet and there is a lot to be gained. More people will want to be around you and love you, and you will find your popularity growing. However, being nice just to gain popularity is not the right way to go. People will see right through you. Be nice because you want to be. When you consciously start to make an effort to be nice, it then becomes easier to do because it becomes a part of who you are.